Unmasking Our True Selves: Reflections on Heartstopper and Coming Out as #AFAF
Have you watched Heartstopper?
Get to it, quick-smart.
The main storyline focuses on a teenager struggling with his sexuality and whether to ‘come out’.
I sobbed like a baby, so the writers connected me to my pain and suffering.
But what pain & suffering? I’m not gay.
Well, you don’t have to be gay to ‘come out’.
You just need to be wearing a mask.
And masks are interesting things.
We wear them because we’re terrified of someone seeing who we really are, or worse, we don’t even know we’re wearing one because we believe it’s who we are.
Either way, we’re selling a lie, and if you get bloody good at it, you believe it yourself.
I’ve felt this a few times in my life.
When I learned that I was 52% Chinese (an actual stat), I had to come out as mixed-raced living in a 100% white community, and it was tough as Marines because I was a kid and kids are mean as shit. I still feel those scars.
Then I came out as being #AFAF (Alcohol-Free-As-Fuck), and that was also challenging because I was a MAN (well, I thought I was, but that’s another story). Living in a MAN’s World, drinking alcohol and getting fucked up was what men did. Coming out as #AFAF felt emasculating, and there weren’t too many parts of my ego that wanted to step up. Fortunately, coming out as mixed-race and having to fight every white kid in school activated what Steven Kessler calls the AGGRESSIVE Pattern, and when activated, it gave me an unhealthy fuck you attitude, which eased things a bit.
Press fast-forward on the Betamax of life, and that AGGRESSIVE pattern started to play havoc in my relationships, leading to a cycle of bust-ups, kisses and make-ups, and some soul searching.
I realised that for 48 years, I have been afraid of showing people who I really am. It’s complicated. Not only am I scared that people won’t like what they see, but it’s also layered in confusion because I don’t entirely know who I am.
Masks and all of that.
I feel another coming-out parade is approaching, but I am unsure what colour balloons to buy.
If this post is a confusing read, that’s sort of the point, AND I want to impress that it’s OK to be confused.
What’s important is we find someone we trust (who doesn’t live in our echo chamber) to work through this shit.
So, this morning, I spent time with my coach, Rachelle, and I felt held, seen, heard, loved and that what I need matters. I told her that I used to be a special little boy, that some bad people took that away from me, and that special little boy is desperate to take a gulp of air.
“You are special,” she said.
And I cried, not because of what she said, but because I BELIEVED HER!
And sometimes, that’s all you need to hear.
You aren't alone if coming out as #AFAF makes you feel scared, confused, ashamed, guilty, terrified, or embarrassed.
And I can assure you that someone sees you, hears you, and thinks you matter.
But for today, let that someone be YOU because that’s where I’m at right now.
Strive on!
Lee
PS: Don't let fear and confusion keep you from unmasking your true self. Whether it's coming out as LGBTQ+, mixed-race, or #AFAF, it takes courage to be vulnerable and show the world who you really are. Take the first step and seek support from someone you trust. It's okay to be confused, but it's not okay to hide behind a mask forever. You matter, and it's time to let the world see the real you. Strive on!