Some of you may be wondering where the hell I've been.
I've been battling.
With myself.
Inside a rollercoaster cart.
Last night, lying in bed with Melon (our cat), mistaking our toes for churros, Liza asked me how things were.
Here’s my response (super sexy bedroom talk).
The last time I dealt with the internal minefields of conflict was 13 years ago, after I decided to stop drinking alcohol forever.
I knew it was a big deal (I only knew one person who had ever stopped drinking in 35 years). I hoped the decision would reverberate into significant changes (like saving my marriage), but I never considered it the beginning of a new chapter of my life.
I expected the same old Lee staring back at me through the floss-board-splattered bathroom mirror.
But on Day 1, I looked, and he wasn’t there.
To help me explain, let me introduce you to the work of Kazimierz Dąbrowski.
The Theory of Positive Disintegration
Dąbrowski outlines a transformative journey through five levels of development, each a battlefield where the soul wars with itself, striving for a harmony that seems just beyond reach.
He calls this secret soiree with the shadows - Positive Disintegration.
My Journey Through The Stages
Stage 1: Primary Integration - This is our starting line where we’re trapped in the web of biological drives and societally conditioned chains.
Stage 2: Unilevel Disintegration - Where doubt creeps in, whispering questions without answers, leading to restless nights filled with the echoes of conflict, yet devoid of direction.
My then-wife and I were spending most of our time on these two levels, and this put a plastic bag over the depth and rooting of our marriage, suffocating the life from it. It wasn't bruised; it was battered black and blue, and our unconscious states were providing the jabs, hooks and uppercuts.
The bridal veil became so covered in blood that we couldn't see a way out.
After 15 years of marriage, we had finally removed the stabilisers and realised we couldn't keep the thing straight.
Something had changed the record. I could feel the stirrings of change inside my gut. I was frightened and excited but came across as chaotic because I couldn’t explain what was happening. I was on a crowded train, screaming that everything was wrong, and nobody took their eyes off the lights flickering in their hands.
Stage 3: Spontaneous Multilevel Disintegration - I looked for answers in books that reflected the answers that lay dormant within me. For the first time since turning my bottle of whiskey into a Molotov cocktail, I saw a beacon of light in the darkness as I began to discern the high from the low within me, a battle of values that left me torn but hopeful.
The Matrix as My Mirror
The movie The Matrix mirrors my disintegration.
For years, I lived in a world crafted not by my desires but by those inherited from generations past—a life of cultural programming that taught survival over fulfilment (Stage 1: Primary Integration). I was Thomas A. Anderson trapped in a cubicle, toothless and clueless.
Quitting alcohol marked my first step out of this illusion, a bold move from ignorance to a painful yet enlightening awareness. I was Thomas A. Anderson, suddenly aware that I was trapped in a cubicle, toothless and clueless.
Stage 4: Organised Multilevel Disintegration - This is when I began consciously choosing my battles, aligning my actions with the values I hold dear despite the cacophony of societal expectations. It was the first time I felt my Parts (ego) fists smashing into the SELF's jaw. While the fighting took place within the internal shadows of my psyche, in the outside world, I was stepping out of the shadows by loving and embracing the true nature of who I was and celebrating the inherent difference within me. People say there will never be another Jimmy Hendrix. Well, there will never be another Lee Davy, Edna Clinton or Stephen Spallek.
Stage 5: Secondary Integration - The summit of my journey remains a distant peak. Yet, the climb continues, each step fuelled by the lessons of my past and the hope for a future where I am whole, integrated around my highest personal values. Matthew McConaughey once shared that his hero is always himself ten years later. Despite reaching each decade milestone, he admits he's never met his hero, as his gaze shifts another ten years ahead. This perspective highlights the value of appreciating the journey over fixating on the outcomes and reminds me of this stage of Positive Disintegration.
Crisis
In the grim dance of the cosmos, where darkness swallows stars whole, a stubborn spark refuses to die. Like a bottle shattered in a back alley, where amidst the shards and the filth, a lone flower dares to bloom—proof that even in the aftermath of life's cruellest jokes, the universe scripts its most beautiful verses in the margins.
I’m waxing lyrical about the opportunity within the most tragic of circumstances.
If you wonder what lights the match that triggers the explosive run through these hurdles, it’s a crisis.
In the aftermath of my melted marriage, I felt like I was going through a mid-life crisis. Hindsight shows me that it was a mid-life awakening. Oh God, that sounds like such a clichè, but it’s the best way to explain it.
The pain and suffering of the separation burst my banks as the rivers of my mind flooded with questions never before uttered, leading to decisions to leave my job, leave my country, and, as a result, leave behind everyone who had been a part of my life for so long.
I was shifting from a boy to a man.
I was 35 years old.
Today: The Dip and the Rollercoaster
Seth Godin's The Dip resonates deeply with me, likening life to a rollercoaster—a metaphor for the ups and downs of my journey. Quitting alcohol, leaving a career for passion, exiting a marriage for growth, and abandoning a community for self-discovery, I've ridden the highs. Yet, now, I find myself at a plateau, the rollercoaster hesitating between a thrilling descent and an arduous climb.
And this is where I sit right now, fingers following the music that streams into my mind on the keyboard with a ‘3’ destined for a life at the bottom of my rucksack.
In that rollercoaster cart.
And I’m not alone.
The Challenge of Relationships
Morpheus spotted that Thomas A. Anderson was going through the stages of Positive Disintegration and guided him out of The Matrix and into the Real World.
Mr Anderson became Neo and fell in love with Trinity.
When the prince rescues the princess from the jaws of the fire-breathing dragon, we never see them married with five kids trying to make ends meet.
Ditto Neo and Trinity.
After the initial romance would come the pull of The Matrix with the formulaic roles of relationships acting as magnets. The alchemy of differing beliefs, paradigms and values would have created conflicts outside and in.
This would have been their work.
As it is mine.
Stuck in the 'difficulty' of relationships.
I had a moment yesterday that explains where I am.
At dinner, I have a habit of tapping my fork on the top of Liza's food and saying things like, "You did a great job with the chicken."
Liza hates me tapping her food. She thinks it's unhygienic and is poor table manners. In my worldview, she is being petty. She is angry at me when I do it, and I am angry at her when she does.
We are in The Matrix, where we are trained that the real fight for survival is the need to be right.
Fortunately, I am evolving and growing in a constant state of flux.
I can sense that this is an illusion.
When I am mired in the stickiness of wanting to be right, I show up in life in the energy of ME. ME. ME. It's all about me. My desires. My wants. My needs. And if none of these are met, I will fight to find a way to get what I want.
Like attracts like.
I have two kids.
Following every swish of the conductor's baton.
I don't want to show up like this.
This is not who I am.
And it is.
I want to show up in a way that balances my wants, desires and needs with those of others healthily. To reach a point where tapping a piece of my chicken with a fork doesn’t create drama.
And the answer to that puzzle lies not within the skin suit of another human.
All of the answers are within me.
It’s just that some of them are stuck behind thick walls of amber, waiting patiently for me to disintegrate positively.
Into The Dip
And so, my rollercoaster cart stands at the precipice, contemplating the dip. Parts of me yearn for the reckless thrill of descent, to abandon growth for the fleeting comfort of regression.
They want a dip.
A big dip.
It's a thrill for them.
These parts want to slip on an Adidas tracky and Sambas and a cassette tape of old mixed pop songs into the boombox while racing to the bottom.
There is a great scene in The Matrix where the character Cypher (played by Joe Pantoliano) is seen dining in a luxurious restaurant with Agent Smith. As he savours a steak, Cypher acknowledges it isn't real—just a simulation created by the Matrix. Yet, he prefers the blissful ignorance of the Matrix's simulated pleasures over the harsh reality of the real world. He says, "I know this steak doesn't exist. I know that when I put it in my mouth, the Matrix is telling my brain that it is juicy and delicious. After nine years, you know what I realise? Ignorance is bliss."
This scene poignantly illustrates the movie's central theme: embracing a comfortable illusion versus confronting the often uncomfortable truth of reality.
And this is where I am.
I am back in the Matrix when I put my needs ahead of everyone else's and fight for my desire to be right. And it feels safe. However, I know it's an illusion. And, sometimes, ignorance is bliss.
Until it isn't.
And it's not.
The Path Forward
I want to invite you into my life as I try and drag my skinny arse through Organised Multilevel Disintegration into a life of Secondary Integration. Because this is my new mission, purpose, goal, and dream, I guess it's always been there, masked by my desire to help people stop drinking.
Helping people stop drinking alcohol is comfortable.
Helping to guide people out of the Matrix and assimilate into the real world. Now, that’s as hard as a Mike Tyson punch.
I need that challenge.
I want to help people raise enough self-awareness to notice they're in The Matrix. Then, I want to help them transition into the real world, to disintegrate all of the societal conditioning, culture, and unhealthy ways of parenting to reveal who they are.
It's inside of you.
As it's inside of me.
Let’s find it together.
Strive on!
Much love.
Lee